Pain and Paint

Melancholia

There is a touch of sadness that always seems to come out in my art girls. A bit of loneliness, melancholy or just outright heartache. I don't always set out from a place of "pain" to paint, but often bits of pain leak out from my fingers, seeping from my soul to the page in a way I never intend or imagine when I first start to sketch or paint.

Spark

I make no secret that I struggle with depression. It's been an ongoing battle for me since at least 1996, probably much earlier. I fight anxiety and a deep seated pain that lurks always just behind my eyes, rooted in my heart. I can't pull it out, I can't get rid of it. I can only go along for the ride and see where it takes me. So far, art has been a surprising ingredient in this battle. I've read many times that genius breeds madness. But I wonder if it's not the other way around? Not that I'm a genius...far from it more likely. But there is a certain madness to some of the worlds  most creative minds that is undeniable. 

Everlasting

We are, in part, creatures of our environment, but there are also larger forces at work around us. I read once that Shamans of ancient tribes often struggled with great pain and illness before coming to their calling as great healers and magicians. I wonder if there is something to that, if there is a calling to suffer in order to strengthen what is inside? Is it fate that depression lurks inside me, or is it simply bad genes? The luck of the DNA draw? 

Whatever it is, it is definitely a part of what makes me. It is so deeply rooted inside of me that even though on most days I am well medicated and functional, it always looms and lurks, crafting my decisions and feeding my creative urges.